A Thousand Love Mishapps (5)

“Oh…”I said,I was about to start feeling disappointed when I reminded myself that three days ago,she never even spoke a word to me.”I would love that” I said,smiling like a cartoon character. “Yaaaay!” She jumped at me excitedly,and held me in that heavenly hug for a while. “We’re gonna have so much fun! We’ll hang out everyday, all my friends will flip when they hear you sing!…” and she went on and on and on,and I just kept smiling(it got to a point my jaws started aching).
In the next couple of days,I found out a few things; 1.That pretty girls like to walk together,and there is usually a not-so-pretty but really rich (or cool or fashionable) one among them.2. Its hard to find a pretty girl that was free of the pests called “boys”(as if I’m not one of them) 3.Pretty girls get pretty much all they want.4. Pretty girls from different groups hate each other,and 5. When pretty girls like a helpless,innocent ,cute guy like myself,other guys will either admire or hate your gutts. Yup,and guess which happened to me? You were gonna say “Im sure they’ll hate the goodness out of you” ,right? Well, you’re right, and wrong. Let me explain, Jemimah and her group looooooved me, the girls in my class were beefing me,while the boys in my class admired me,and for once, for once in my then miserable life, seniors were lobbying to hang out with me…Im guessing you’re like “Is this guy kidding me?” But no, this cute fella ain’t kidding. Seniors would arrange meetings like “The God-Father”.Everybody wanted me to put in a good word for them with Jemimah…hehehehe…I was in power baybee! I was in the dining hall one evening,chilling with my rice and fish stew when,with my fellow hostel mates,when three SS2 boys came up to me “Ade” one of them with fair oily skin and a flat wide nose called,he was huge “Shellow wants to see you”.
“Abeg” I started begging “make I chop this rice small I never finish”
“Are you deaf!?” Another one, about my height, yelled in a squicky-like voice. He was like an African Chuwawa, but I heard he was brutal,he could climb the table to slap a junior who took him lightly. Bony face,thats what they called him (and trust me,he was as bony as a skeleton exhibit).
“abeg make I fin-” I was hardly through with my statement when the huge one jacked me up and before I could recite ‘Jack and Jill’ I was at the back of the class area. No junior student ever prays to go there. Well,there I was, in the most dreaded territory, sorrounded by at least five senior students, no teachers around,(perfect spot to die), and in front of me was Shellow. He was an albino,he was the cute albino guy thet had allowed himself loose flavour. He had black spots all over his face,his eyes were constantly swollen (I heard he did weed). He was, well…lets just say he was past the days of his glory, thanks to his sick habits and zero hygiene.
“You guys can leave us” Shellow said. The other SS2 boys left us. From under a pile of text books and other reading materials, he pulled out a pack of ciggaret,he opened it and offered me one. “No thanks” I declined politely, he didnt shrugg, like he was half hoping I would say so. He picked one out and lit it (no idea where the lighter came from). “So you are Jemimah’s new boyfriend?” He asked with obvious irritation. My spider senses were tingling like crazy. “Ah! No O…she’s just my school mother…she even came to me…she said we could be friends…she just said we should be friends…in fact we dont see everyday, well,except for the last week whe-”
“Abeg! Make I hear word” he said with clouds of smoke gushing out of his mouth he shut me up.
“Look,I want you to help me psych your school mother up…” that was when I realized, this chimney nosed, bug faced, ogre smelling, black teethed salamander wanted me to toast my beautiful Jemimah. I stood there as he devised and fantasized about how I would sweeten her up, arrange a meeting,how he wouldn’t mind being my school father…(EEEWWWW!! The guy didnt even have any Kellogg’s to offer, or milk,he would just be taking the little I had). I went back to my room, certain that I would destroy Shellow’s image as much as possible with Jemimah, as my stomach rumbled in anguish for the forsaken fish stew. When I told the boys back in the hostel they were like “Never,she no go gree for that he-goat devil called Shellow”
“Yeah,I know” I said, happy that I wasn’t the only one that felt that way. Then Sean(Useless boy) said something that seemed so profound “I believe that Jemimah sef like you Ade”
“What?”I was surprised
“I talk say she like you”
“Ehn,before n’ko? She mustu like me nau. Na me be em school son, abi?”
“Ode! Not like that jor…she’s into you!”
I fell silent, laughed one fake laughter and walked away.
I was happy, surprised ,grateful, annoyed, dissapointed, all at the same time. Happy because ,well,you can guess that one,I mean,Im inlove with the babe. Surprised because the guy sprung the suggestion on me out of no where. Grateful because it was obviuosly a sign from heaven. Annoyed because I would have to go through hell(Its Basic,you go through hell to get a pretty girl. Fairy tales are a typical example. You fight the dragon, kill a witch, swallow a frog…catch a grenade…hehehe), and that Shellow was sending me to my own lover! Then disappointed in myself because I realised I should have done something about it long ago. Well,she was no longer my School Mother she was now my “School Mummy” (you get,like sugar mummy…hehehe,okay I gat issues). The next time I and Jemimah met, she was not with her entourage, if not I would have sung a love song for each of the girls(I usually sang Usher’s songs for them-always kills the ladies). So it was just my Mummy and I. We had an amazing time talking about our past, our experiences when we first came to the school,our former lives in our former schools(she was also ab transfer,ahhhhhh…she was truly the bone of my bone). I watched her smile, flick her hair,play with the heart shaped pendant on her neck lace. I listened to her story, her past, her hopes, and I listened to her smile,I heard her laugh and I knew it, that I was in trouble, I was falling in love with Jemimah(well,we all knew this was gonna happen).I mentioned Shellow to her and her reaction was more than satiafactory, she hated his gutts. She didnt use the word hate, but I would prefer to think that. Things were going perfectly,I was telling Shellow and all the other guys after Jemimah that she was not ready yet while I and Jemimah were getting chum. She even started pecking me after a while in public and her friends started calling me her “sweet heart”. God had buttered my bread! 🙂

However, trouble was brewing In my paradise when I started hearing rumors of a certain George that was successfully getting close to Jemimah…hmmmm! I didn’t liken. that,I was kind of furious, but I was keeping it on the downlow! Jemimah hadnt mentioned it to me, she would tell me if it was serious, because Our relation was beyond the school mother-school son type,as far as I was concerned.It was just a matter of time before I popped the question (the “will you be my girl?” question). So I kept quiet about it.
In my own little corner,I was enjoying the prospect of lying to Shellow about Jemimah’s mixed signals. He was busy analising my lies,thinking it was the truth, what a mugun;somedays he would be so confused because she would greet him . any other student,whereas I had given him the impression that something was there!(I know,evil me…n). Another thing that was happening was that rumors were going round about me in the entire junior secondary block,that I was a player and was dating only senior girls. Whispers were going around all the time,I was fast becoming the new kid on the block. There was this babe-Remi- that I usually borrowed “Archie” comics from,she was cute, and it was obvious she liked me, however, she was a little bald (what?! A guy should have taste! I like girls with hair and the girl had a hairline I didnt like,call me a perfectionist,but there are guys that dont do small boobs,or small butt…so dont judge me ( ˘˘̯) ). Anyways I wasnt into her,well,Im a one woman guy,I had Jemimah,so thats final. So, I was sitting in class one afternoon, the boring Social Studies teacher was teaching a topic I dont even care to remember,when out of shere boredom I looked out the window,and there was my beautiful Jemimah, walking alone,…in my mind I was like “aaaaawwwwww! My baby” The little micro interestvI had in the class went out the window,she had my full attention though she didnt know.As she walked on leisurely some hoodlum bumped into her, and held her! I stood up! About to rush out ,and scream “Rape! Rape!! Rape! Raaaaaaaaaape!” When I saw that the guy didnt bump into her,he hugged her from the back and now they were in each other’s arms. They untangled from the most unholy hugg and started walking away,hand in hand! Jesu! I was there, frozen without ice, rooted on the spot!
“Mister man!” the boring teacher in extra gross glasses called my attention “Can I help you?”. I realised I was still standing.
“Um…No…N…No sir” I answered.
“Then sit down my friend and dont disrupt the class. Abi you want to go to the toilet?” The class roared in laughter. Mr. Goggles made a joke for once. But I was the punch line, so sad. I and Jemimah were going to have I talk, “It might not be pretty” I thought to myself. I was so sure there was no amount of thinking that would prepare me for another heart break…Na who send me sef!?

A Thousand Love Mishapps (4)

You know the saying that goes thus;Once beaten twice shy? Yeah,Im sure you do. I was the new epitome of that statement. I totally stayed away from Tolu’s side of the class…like TOTALLY! If I needed a pen during a test and someone on Tolu’s side if class had an extra,I would rather use a pencil to write my test and fail,or risk getting my note shredded to pieces by the teacher. Well,so Tolu was a planet away from me,and Fash lived his villian life in “pieces” (I know I was supposed to say “Peace”, but heck no! Let it be “Pieces”) and I was living my life in peace.
You know, life has a funny way of helping to even out situations,or balance the good and evil a man experiences in life, well, life evened it out for me,I was chilling with my hostel mates one day and we were discussing our primary schools and all the naughty stuff we’d done with our lives(ranging from spitting in teachers’ drinks,Tarzan adventures for the tree climbers, fighting a girl and loosing(covering my face for alot of guys that would have experienced it),to pretty sensitive stuff like being mollested by a house girl, getting disvirgined really early,mostly by stupidity or choice, to pretty revealing things like bedwetting,and other gooey sttuff. So I mentioned that I was a singer in my past life,I mean past school. Then the guys were like…”Dude! So you can sing?” I was like “Yeah,just a little” I said shily.”Oya sing lets hear” one of the boys said. So I sang one of the favourite songs I knew from sunday school in my former school(Js1,it wasn’t like the “Father Abraham,has many sons…”kind of sunday school song O). The guys clapped when I was done. Then Sean,whose real name is actually Seun(he lied that his name was Sean,how dumb)said we should sing the song the following day,which was a sunday,at the chapel,during service. Everyone loved it instantly! Rehearsals began,the prospect of singing a cool and fun song and getting a wild applause from the girls can be a serious driving force for a bunch of teenagers…come and see creativity in display! Sean did the rap,he actually copied a 2pac Shakur verse,the one that says “As I walk through the valley if the shadow of death,I take a look at my life….blah blah blah”,thats as far as I remember. Though I was skeptical about the rap,we still went ahead. Sunday came and we were all looking like little angels without a halo,dressed in white uniform. We quickly told the pastor/teacher in charge about our special number. When it was time for special numbers,a girl was called to sing. She was a Js1 student,her voice was thin,but not so great,everyone clapped for her…that was some encouragement. You know that feeling you get when you see someone who you think has a whacky voice sings a song before you and the crowd responds nicely…it can be really encouraging(God forgive me). So we were called up,most of the JS3 bording students came up,with me in front(I was to take the solo,to usher in the song and remind anyone that might have forgotten among the other singers…smart eh?) So with my heart pounding against my chest like it wanted out,and my palms damp like a piece of foam that has just been soaked in water, picked the microphone and introduced the group “We are the Js3 Boys and The tittle of our song is ‘I saw angels coming down'”. I took a deep breath and started with my solo…my voiced eased out through the loud speakers,I think I liked the sound of it,and so did the applauding congregation. When I was done with my Solo,the rest of the “choir” picked the chorus,and we used our hands to make the beat,like some kind of accapela stuff. It was dope man,I tell you. Later the crowd joined us in the clap. People were thoroughluly enjoying our presentation! Then Sean came for his rap,U know how teenagers can be when they hear rap,in a song being presented in church,automatic gaurantee to drive people wild.(it always works,if U want a quick route to be cool in a “gospel” way,try it and see…hehehe) So the ladies went wild with admiration and excitement,the fellas were green with envy,especially the seniors,they just clapped and fumed(who send them?) The song was over and the entire chapel went wild, a few girls came to hug me and Sean, well,and the rest of the crew.Eeveryone was on their feet,even the teacher in charge was all smiles and laughs as he obviously enjoyed himself. The JS3 boys were feeling fly all sunday long, our status was hitting the roof,though it didnt stop Sean from recieving slap that same evening for not bringing an SS3 boy’s laundry on time(yeah,they make us do their laundry). That same evening, as I was leaving the dining hall,I heard someone call my name “Ade”,I turned and saw Tolu…Tolu!…okay I was just kidding it wasnt Tolu,it was some girl I dont think I’d ever noticed before,she looked like a JS2 or JS1 girl. She waved at me shily,I wondered what she wanted,maybe she wanted to send me to a senior guy or one of my room mates,I wasnt in the mood to be sent on an errand, by a younger girl for that matter, as I was at the pinacle of the Junior Secondary school Food chain(No one sends you on errands in JS3,SS2,and of course,the gods of school, SS3,those ones can send any other class on an errand). Anyways so I walked to her and tried to sound polite(Actually I didnt try,it came effortlessly,I noticed she was cute!-yes call me “ashewo Omode” …aren’t we all?)”Hello” I greeted. “Hi” she said looking down a little,I was a little puzzled now. Was it what I was thinking? She wants to psyche me…hehehe!
“You sang well today” she said smiling shily trying not to look at me in the face.
“Thank you” I said,putting on a charming smile.
“Senior Jemimah wants to see you” she said and started walking away. So she didnt want to psych me,but I didnt care,Jemimah wanted to see me..She expected me to follow her,of course I did. Who wouldn’t!? Do you know who Jemimah is!!!? Well,of course you dont know. She is a goddess! Chai,every guy that was straight had a crush in that girl! I mean, everyone, Including teachers sef! Okay that one was a lie,I didnt see her with any teachers, but if you see this babe! (#singing in Olamide’s voice# she geti front, she geti back,she’s too package…). Let me describe how God created this babe;he was like 5 feet 4, she has a skin so smooth so glowy,like coffee and caramel proportion 1 to 4(1spoon of coffee to 4 spoons of caramel,we gats to be specific nau),she had dark hair,always wavy,she was always in the neatest uniform well fitted,I mean weeeell fitted,she has these beautiful lips,like those pink lips that were perfectly uneven and slightly pouty, that parted ways to reveal the perfect set of teeth,the front teeth slightly parted(gap tooth) and she had the perfect figure 8 shape(I was in Js3 ,I was required to know those things,it was a compulsery course). Most people either loved her or envied her. She was kinda like a superstar. Anyways,So, I followed the JS-something girl. We had walked for barely a minute, turned a corner out of the view of people trooping in and out of the hall,then I saw her,she was standing somewhere between the boy’s hostel and girls’ hostel, where the senate building was situated. She was standing and leaning on a pillar as she read a book. “She reads too…Wow!” I thought to myself. When I was a few steps from her,I stopped and allowed the girl go ahead and call her attention,I had a feeling she knew I was around,but didn’t want to seem like she was eager to see me.
“Hello” I greeted her as she looked my way.
“Ade” she called my name with a smile,,showing off her wonderful teeth,illuminating her face, she walked up to me and gave Me a hug “how are you sweety?”
“I’m fine” I said shyly as I hugged her back. She smelled like almonds and orange,very soft but evident and perfumey,my brain was screaming “Alert! Alert! Alert!”.
“Kemi,you can go” she tells the little girl,and she scurries off. She turns to me.
“Am I in some kind of trouble,or you want to send me to someone?” I said managing a smile.
She giggled in the most adorable way.”None of the above” she said.
“Okay…?” I said puzzled.
“You sang really well today” she said
“Thanks,thats what people keep saying” I tried to be humble. She laughed.”well you are a pretty decent singer” she said and put a hand on my face softly and caress my ear(Jesu!!!) “And I really like your voice, you’re so cute” if I was white,I would have blushed, no, more like glowed.
“Thanks” I smiled sheepishly,I couldnt look her in the face. She used a finger to gently lift up my chin “I want to ask you something” she said ,looking not so serious. (I mean,if she was going to propose to me,she should look a llittle nervous,but then again,its Jemimah,she’s not totally human,she’s got that extra)
“Okay…”I say, my eyes as expectant as a girlfriend waiting to get a ring,talk about switching of roles in a classic drama..lol.
“I would really love for you to be my school son” she said.