The Rantings Of A Short Black Boy …Short Blaq Boi

*Picks up Magazine*…*Sips Garri…Suddenly drops spoon* *Angrily drops magazine*
What the Hell! Whaaaaat the hell is it! All this magazines sef, what is the problem! Always talking all manner of Nonsense. Im sure you’re wondering what I am ranting about. Well let me tell you, its just rediculous that the media has put it upon itself to make life miserable for men. Yes, men! And Im talking about this “six feet” tall burden that has been put on our backs as guys. Yes, it started from fashion, the person must be 6 feet tall, all built up, all rubbed up in oil…does he have to be six feet tall?! Then of course we have the movies, must the guy AAAALWAYS have to be taller,I mean, who would die if the girl was taller for once. Just once! And the heroe has to be taller than the damsel, yack! So unrealistic. Now every small girl is shouting he has to be”tall dark and handsome”…how are you sure all the

“tall dark and handsome” fellas out there are not serial killers, psychopaths or even ….Gay…yeah, it stings that alot are. So what is my point? My point is this, dwarfs should be utilized more often, they are usually pretty hot if U ask me, well built too. And you would give alot of guys a chance in the dating world. Come on, just for one year! Use not-so-tall guys for adverts, romatic roles and fashion spreads. I mean look at Bowwow, MI,Flavour Flave,Martin Lawrence…heck even my causin Spookie!
That being said, all movie directors should use lines like “He doesnt have to be tall” or “Ohhh George is so cute, though he’s short,he knows how to please a Lady” “Oh I just love medium height men” I mean, the list is endless! Am I being unreasonable? Of course Not! Damn near gabe me a heart faliure a few years back, checking through movie channels.. I wanted to scream for my mom and a glass of milk and Gin(milk and Gin is crappy by the way) that said. I will try to rest my case now. For goodness sake Im not gonna keep quiet…its just not right. Im gonna keep fighting and talking…and well, writing for the greater good. The good of all men, all men bellow six feet…Oh yes, for I have a dream! A dream that a dwarf gets to play 007, that some day, all hot girls will look on tall men like they were plagued…Oh yeahhhhh Baby, the tall ones started it first! Dont blame me for being a psycho! …wait, did I just call myself a psycho!?…Loooool! *sips garri* okay,Im just messing with y’all,Im not some short version of Adulf Hitler. However, all men are created equal, regardless of their height or complexion, or complexes, past, and present. Ultimately, the world will see you the way you truly see yourself. See the best possible YOU, act the best possible YOU,and you will see that you have become the BEST POSSIBLE YOU. Try it for a month, then try being nice for a week. You’ll see 🙂

A Thousand Love Mishapp (6)

“So this is what hell feels like…” I thought to myself as I packed my things from my desk and shoved them into my bag. “Kai!!!” I thought out loud.”Why did she have to do this where I could see her ?” It felt like my wife had cheated on me. I was still kind of furious about the whole ordeal,when my cousin (well,more like family-friend-turned-cousin) in SS3 called me from outside the class. I never mentioned her before? Yeah,cus she’s bossy,and sometimes mean. She was like the popular, cute, tough girl. Like the Iron Lady,name sounds really nice,now that I think of it. So,she called me out of class,and as any popular,cute girl would do,she had her relatively cute friends with her,about four or three of them,all cute,neat looking,with lip gloss smackin’ fresh. I walked out of the class, expecting her to interrogate me on why I hadnt taken the weekend from school to come to her place or deliver a message from her mom…the thing is she is a day student while I am a bording student, or border as they call us(yup,the school was mixed). So,I stepped out of class,my bag hanging by my hand over my shoulder,I was already emotionally tired, beaten up,dragged across a road,and dumped in water…so to say I wasnt in the mood to be lectured would be an understatement. “Hey Sharon,”I greeted her “Whats up?”.
“Its him…” one if her friends whispered,looking excited. I slowed my pace, as I came down the stairs,I noticed the cute SS3  girls were looking at me kind of funny, well, like I was a celeb or something…seriously!
My cousin walked up to me and gave me a hugg, which was not unusual,but she seemed a little excited than usual. “Ade” her voice seemed unusually sweet “You look handsome today” she said when she released me from the hug. “Thanks” I managed a smile.
She turned me to face her friends, and she intoduced us,I shook their hands warmly as she mentioned their names. One of them even happened to be my name sake. “Are you doing anything now?” Sharon asked me. I thought for a minute,it was too early to deal with Jemimah, I would be seeing her in the evening. “Not really” I answered.
“Then why dont you hang out with me and the girls for a while” my cousin invited.
“Alright, sure”
“Yipeee!” One of the girls yelped in excitement, she walked up to me and her arms were around me,she was hawwwt! You know I was small in stature, so I couldnt reach her shoulder and I didnt want to put my hand around her waiste…though I was more than tempted, but as a young man trying to survive,its adviseable to park well. “So you’re the cute singer” another said rubbing her soft fingers across my left cheek, Oh my,she smelt like lavander, (I actually dont know what lavander smells like,but I know she was smelling nice, and it wasnt rose,or almond or whatever was common). I gave my mugun smile. “Well,its the entire band that sang ,not just me” I said with a shy smile on my face, trying to form humble guy.
“But you sang the solo nau?” My cousin inserted.
“Yeah sure,I did” and they all swooned and made me promise I would sing them a song in the future. I was feeling really fantastic about myself, but I didn’t allow myself enjoy it, mainly because my heart was cracked by what I had seen earlier that day (what?! I can be very emotional). Hanging out with Sharon and her crew was fun, at least it took my mind off the whole Jemimah issue for a couple of hours. When Sharon and her friends finally released me,I went up to my room…sat in a chair and imagined what Jemimah might be doing at the moment. As I was trying to pour myself a somewhat miserable bowl of cereal,I was too tired to try and find something to eat,besides the junk Sharon and friends stuffed me with,which I was very grateful for,don’t get me wrong…as I poured the cereal,a junior student walker into my room. “Senior Jemimah is looking for you downstairs” flash back to when that other girl messed up…what’s her name again sef ? Anyways, I dropped my bowl of cereal and dragged myself downstairs. “Hey baby,” she cooed as she gave me a hug…(ahhhhhh…felt so good…oh yes, I was upset,almost forgot that part). “Hi” I answered, obviously dull.
“Whats the matter sweet heart?”
I was a little dumb fouded by the answer, not that I wasnt expecting the question,I just hadnt gotten myself to prepare for an answer, it sounds like a student knows a test in on monday but still refuses to even look at his notebook. I totally wasn’t prepared…I had to lie. “Im fine, just a bit moody today”
“Awww…” she exclaimed and gave me a hug.”Come here baby. How can I make you feel better?”
“You’re doing just fine already” I said, feeling sweet and sour at the same time.
She bought me a bar of Snickers and we took a short walk to a secluded spot. As we sat, there was this awkward silence that we have never had before…I broke it. “So, is there any guy you like in particular ,apart from your class mates and those boys disturbing you?”
“Well” she started “Not really, I have close friends but …”
“So you have everything you want” I cut in, hoping she would get the hidden implication of that statement. “Yeah…” she said smiling at me. “But there is this one guy…” the tone in which she made that statement sank my heart all the way to my small intestine.”…I think he gets me”
“But I get you!” I said with some emphasis. She smile and touched my hair. “Yes you do sweetheart, you’re my son, you should get me” and she continued talking about him…I was getting really uncomfortable sitting there with her. So I was nothing more than a school son. Just business as usual. I slapped myself in my mind “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” I thought to myself. As I watched Jemimah talk about some other guy, with so much light on her eyes ,my fake smile plastered to my face,it dawned on me that I was the Joker here. “My stomach hurts” I lied. I got up and walked away. She seemed stunned,surprised. She knew something was wrong but she never asked and I never mentioned. Thats how I and Jemimah ended unofficially, because we were still ‘School Son and Mother’ but we hardly talked, I was with my cousin most of the time and when I wasnt I was with another group of girls(thats a gist for later), and when ever we got to talk it was usually brief. I always saw the puzzle in her eyes, she always saw the hurt in mine, but we never discussed it, she never asked, maybe she found out. Oh well, that was how the Jemimah phase ended. However,I was sure my romance life hadnt ended. …Oh, it hadnt.

Our Expectations In Relationships

image

There are two big problems in dating.
1) You don’t want the people who want you.
2) The people you want don’t want you in return.
Now, take a look at those two problems; which one do you think you can change?
Most of us take the futile route of trying to change the second one – “How do I MAKE him like me?” “I’m exactly what he’s looking for!” “He doesn’t know what’s good for him.” But, as we’ve established a few hundred times on this blog, you can’t change anyone else’s thinking.
What you can change is YOU.
To be fair, it’s possible to “make” someone like you by becoming a more desirable catch – there’s no doubt that a man who earns more money, gains more confidence, and gets more experience will have a more positive dating life. But he’s not actually CHANGING women. He’s only changing himself.
But increasing your dating options can be a risky proposition, at best. Men can’t always make more money. Women can’t always lose weight. And as easy as it is to talk about gaining confidence and experience, most folks would rather sit on the sidelines and complain that the people you want don’t want you in return.
This is a waste of time.
In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.
In fact, the easiest remedy for an ailing love life is to want the people who want you.
It is anathema to suggest this, of course. Any conversation about opening up to more potential prospects leads us down the slippery slope to settling. And as the furor surrounding Lori Gottlieb’s brilliant book proved, nothing pisses women off more than the suggestion that they may be somewhat responsible for being single.
But, to be crystal clear, it’s not just women.
There are tons of 38-year-old male Ivy-League educated lawyers who just can’t find a single woman good enough for him. These guys, who are, like me, probably 7′s in looks and 9′s in intelligence, just can’t help but to go for women who are 9′s in looks, but 5′s in emotional intelligence/compatibility.
One of the things that I’ve often thought is that none of these men would marry someone like my wife, even though my wife is – objectively – just about the coolest woman on the planet. They’d have the same objections I did: a little too old, not a Harvard grad, blahblahblah.
The reason I’m bringing this up is that I made a CHOICE to find an amazing partner and create an amazing life – and all I had to do was give up that IMAGE that I’d had of dating a woman who was Just. Like. Me.
If you’re single, and never find anybody “good enough,” chances are that you do the exact same thing.
Today, I’m calling you out.
Because if you’ve been dating this way for 5, 10 or 20 years, there’s something that you’re not seeing.
And that something is this:
If a 42-year-old man says that he’s ONLY attracted to 9′s and 10′s who are in their late 20′s, that’s fabulous. But if NONE of the 9′s and 10′s he covets are interested in him in return, it only makes sense that this man needs to recalibrate his dating options. 6′s and 7′s are readily interested in him, but he doesn’t find them attractive enough. Without knowing this man, I think it would be clear that he’s overestimating himself. If he can get only 6s and 7′s in looks, he’s probably a 6 or a 7 in looks himself. Therefore, if he ever wants to get married, it would probably make sense to start appreciating the 6s and 7′s and choose the one that he’s most attracted to, who shares the same values and can be his best friend for life.
I’d think it would be hard to argue with that logic.
So should it be any more controversial if we flip the genders around?
If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner … and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.
If the 38-year-old woman MBA who owns her own condo, runs marathons, and can complete the Sunday New York Times crossword only likes 9′s and 10′s… but those same men always a) prefer younger women or b) ultimately break her heart because they’re egotistical, selfish narcissists who only want younger women and aren’t ready to settle down… should she keep holding out for them? Wouldn’t it make much more sense to marry one of the devoted 7′s who think she’s the bee’s knees?
Apparently not.
Because that would be settling.
And settling is bad.
Therefore, all of these amazing men and women remain single indefinitely. Because They. Will. Not. Settle.
They would rather tilt at windmills, trying to acquire a partner who DOESN’T want them, instead of realizing that the BEST partner for them is the one who WANTS them and VALUES them and thinks THEY are a catch.
And the culprit in all this? Our unrealistic expectations – of how we see ourselves – and of what we expect of our partners.
If you price a candy bar at $100 and there are no buyers, you need to lower the price of the candy bar.
If you think you “deserve” a certain kind of partner – not just someone who is rich, hot, and brilliant, but a rich, hot, brilliant partner who STICKS AROUND – and yet you’ve NEVER gotten him, you need to start considering another kind of partner.
The key is in letting go of the image you’ve been holding onto. Because real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection. And I truly believe there are thousands of people you can potentially be happy with… if only you didn’t have such a rigid idea of what it looked like.
Last night, I was coaching a favorite client, Katie, who is part of my Inner Circle AND a Passion Course member.
Katie is 58 and never married. Of course. She never wanted to settle.
After rebranding her on Match.com, she’s getting a ton of attention and is being chased down by two men simultaneously.
Tom is the brainy, charismatic one who talks about himself incessantly, sends template emails, and hasn’t followed up in a week.
Bill is a fun guy, makes her laugh, is a great kisser, and has followed up for four dates in two weeks.
Katie wanted to know how to make Tom like her and how to get rid of Bill. When we dug deeper, I learned that she was embarrassed at the thought of introducing her friends to Bob because he wasn’t as “sophisticated” as her other tony Connecticut friends.
I asked Katie, point-blank: Are you attracted to Bill? “Yes”
Real relationships aren’t about credentials; they’re about connection.
Do you have fun around Bill? “Oh, yes!”
Is he consistently good to you? “Absolutely. He’s crazy about me.”
So why are you trying so hard to run away? Because of what your friends think? Because Bill’s not what you’ve pictured in your head for 58 YEARS?
“Yeah, kind of.”
I’m delighted to report that Katie is going out with Bill again. And I wouldn’t be surprised if she “settled” her way into an amazing relationship.
By thinking you’re “better” than everyone who wants you, you’re eliminating the greatest source of love around – the person who wants you! And you may be surprised to find that you can be EXTREMELY happy with someone who doesn’t meet your preconceived image of your ideal mate.
I certainly have been.
(Culled from http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog.)

The Cake Analogy

Just like my last Analogy, this one is particular about relationships and related stuff.
In the kitchen of life, you have lots of ingredients and they can be used to make the most wonderfully put together edibles or a complete disaster…just put a three year old in a kitchen with all the ingredients readily available, and you’ll probably get some form of explosive at the end of the day.
So, a relationship is like a cake, and the ingredients depend largely on you. So we got our Sugar, which is Love…Yup! L.O.V.E. We got the butter, which is the PERSONALITY , different butters affect cakes and the final product at the end of the day in different ways. So we have the flour, that’s the COMMITMENT…it holds all the stuff together. Y’all know that any relationship without commitment is a recipe for disaster on a proportion you don’t wanna be around. We got the Eggs, that’s the knowledge and wisdom you apply in your relationship. The relationship may survive without the eggs…but then it wont be RICH, the relationship falls apart without flour, especially when the situations of Life happen,which is the oven..ohh yeah…that’s some hot confinement ,that’s life y’all. A relationship certainly wont be a relationship without Love, just like cake will never be cake without Sugar(or whatever sweet substitutes ). Then of course, Love and our individual personality and Love makes up all the Mushy stuff…you get?…Mushy Stuff. Then we have the mixing, which stands for…well, mixing. You stop being just “you”, you become “we”…yeah, scary for some of us guys, right? Then the heat of the oven called life, tests you both till you’ve made a wonderful, joint, firm, sweet tasting and smelling CAKE, then the Icing comes in…the Hard Sweet Royal icing, the amazingly smooth and soft Butter icing, and whatever kinda icing you may like, that’s the SEX…ohhh yeahhhhh! mama mia!!! Okay, before this article becomes X rated…Hahaha. okay, like this process implies, sex is the last but extremely important part… raise your hand if you disagree with this last statement. So, sex is sweet, could very well bend your mind…lol. However, its the last part when all the other factors have been gotten down, you don’t want to put icing instead of flour, that’s why sex cant bring commitment, don’t be fooled! Sex cant see you through the hardship of life, when you’re with your better half,just like you cant put icing in the oven with the cake…bleeggghhhh! Man, you don’t want that. But if everything is followed accordingly,hmmmmn…you’re up for some awesome cake. YyyyUp! I’m sure a lot of y’all wont agree with this analogy, but hey, its as true as it gets. Happy caking (Is there actually any word link that?)….

A Thousand Love Mishapps (5)

“Oh…”I said,I was about to start feeling disappointed when I reminded myself that three days ago,she never even spoke a word to me.”I would love that” I said,smiling like a cartoon character. “Yaaaay!” She jumped at me excitedly,and held me in that heavenly hug for a while. “We’re gonna have so much fun! We’ll hang out everyday, all my friends will flip when they hear you sing!…” and she went on and on and on,and I just kept smiling(it got to a point my jaws started aching).
In the next couple of days,I found out a few things; 1.That pretty girls like to walk together,and there is usually a not-so-pretty but really rich (or cool or fashionable) one among them.2. Its hard to find a pretty girl that was free of the pests called “boys”(as if I’m not one of them) 3.Pretty girls get pretty much all they want.4. Pretty girls from different groups hate each other,and 5. When pretty girls like a helpless,innocent ,cute guy like myself,other guys will either admire or hate your gutts. Yup,and guess which happened to me? You were gonna say “Im sure they’ll hate the goodness out of you” ,right? Well, you’re right, and wrong. Let me explain, Jemimah and her group looooooved me, the girls in my class were beefing me,while the boys in my class admired me,and for once, for once in my then miserable life, seniors were lobbying to hang out with me…Im guessing you’re like “Is this guy kidding me?” But no, this cute fella ain’t kidding. Seniors would arrange meetings like “The God-Father”.Everybody wanted me to put in a good word for them with Jemimah…hehehehe…I was in power baybee! I was in the dining hall one evening,chilling with my rice and fish stew when,with my fellow hostel mates,when three SS2 boys came up to me “Ade” one of them with fair oily skin and a flat wide nose called,he was huge “Shellow wants to see you”.
“Abeg” I started begging “make I chop this rice small I never finish”
“Are you deaf!?” Another one, about my height, yelled in a squicky-like voice. He was like an African Chuwawa, but I heard he was brutal,he could climb the table to slap a junior who took him lightly. Bony face,thats what they called him (and trust me,he was as bony as a skeleton exhibit).
“abeg make I fin-” I was hardly through with my statement when the huge one jacked me up and before I could recite ‘Jack and Jill’ I was at the back of the class area. No junior student ever prays to go there. Well,there I was, in the most dreaded territory, sorrounded by at least five senior students, no teachers around,(perfect spot to die), and in front of me was Shellow. He was an albino,he was the cute albino guy thet had allowed himself loose flavour. He had black spots all over his face,his eyes were constantly swollen (I heard he did weed). He was, well…lets just say he was past the days of his glory, thanks to his sick habits and zero hygiene.
“You guys can leave us” Shellow said. The other SS2 boys left us. From under a pile of text books and other reading materials, he pulled out a pack of ciggaret,he opened it and offered me one. “No thanks” I declined politely, he didnt shrugg, like he was half hoping I would say so. He picked one out and lit it (no idea where the lighter came from). “So you are Jemimah’s new boyfriend?” He asked with obvious irritation. My spider senses were tingling like crazy. “Ah! No O…she’s just my school mother…she even came to me…she said we could be friends…she just said we should be friends…in fact we dont see everyday, well,except for the last week whe-”
“Abeg! Make I hear word” he said with clouds of smoke gushing out of his mouth he shut me up.
“Look,I want you to help me psych your school mother up…” that was when I realized, this chimney nosed, bug faced, ogre smelling, black teethed salamander wanted me to toast my beautiful Jemimah. I stood there as he devised and fantasized about how I would sweeten her up, arrange a meeting,how he wouldn’t mind being my school father…(EEEWWWW!! The guy didnt even have any Kellogg’s to offer, or milk,he would just be taking the little I had). I went back to my room, certain that I would destroy Shellow’s image as much as possible with Jemimah, as my stomach rumbled in anguish for the forsaken fish stew. When I told the boys back in the hostel they were like “Never,she no go gree for that he-goat devil called Shellow”
“Yeah,I know” I said, happy that I wasn’t the only one that felt that way. Then Sean(Useless boy) said something that seemed so profound “I believe that Jemimah sef like you Ade”
“What?”I was surprised
“I talk say she like you”
“Ehn,before n’ko? She mustu like me nau. Na me be em school son, abi?”
“Ode! Not like that jor…she’s into you!”
I fell silent, laughed one fake laughter and walked away.
I was happy, surprised ,grateful, annoyed, dissapointed, all at the same time. Happy because ,well,you can guess that one,I mean,Im inlove with the babe. Surprised because the guy sprung the suggestion on me out of no where. Grateful because it was obviuosly a sign from heaven. Annoyed because I would have to go through hell(Its Basic,you go through hell to get a pretty girl. Fairy tales are a typical example. You fight the dragon, kill a witch, swallow a frog…catch a grenade…hehehe), and that Shellow was sending me to my own lover! Then disappointed in myself because I realised I should have done something about it long ago. Well,she was no longer my School Mother she was now my “School Mummy” (you get,like sugar mummy…hehehe,okay I gat issues). The next time I and Jemimah met, she was not with her entourage, if not I would have sung a love song for each of the girls(I usually sang Usher’s songs for them-always kills the ladies). So it was just my Mummy and I. We had an amazing time talking about our past, our experiences when we first came to the school,our former lives in our former schools(she was also ab transfer,ahhhhhh…she was truly the bone of my bone). I watched her smile, flick her hair,play with the heart shaped pendant on her neck lace. I listened to her story, her past, her hopes, and I listened to her smile,I heard her laugh and I knew it, that I was in trouble, I was falling in love with Jemimah(well,we all knew this was gonna happen).I mentioned Shellow to her and her reaction was more than satiafactory, she hated his gutts. She didnt use the word hate, but I would prefer to think that. Things were going perfectly,I was telling Shellow and all the other guys after Jemimah that she was not ready yet while I and Jemimah were getting chum. She even started pecking me after a while in public and her friends started calling me her “sweet heart”. God had buttered my bread! 🙂

However, trouble was brewing In my paradise when I started hearing rumors of a certain George that was successfully getting close to Jemimah…hmmmm! I didn’t liken. that,I was kind of furious, but I was keeping it on the downlow! Jemimah hadnt mentioned it to me, she would tell me if it was serious, because Our relation was beyond the school mother-school son type,as far as I was concerned.It was just a matter of time before I popped the question (the “will you be my girl?” question). So I kept quiet about it.
In my own little corner,I was enjoying the prospect of lying to Shellow about Jemimah’s mixed signals. He was busy analising my lies,thinking it was the truth, what a mugun;somedays he would be so confused because she would greet him . any other student,whereas I had given him the impression that something was there!(I know,evil me…n). Another thing that was happening was that rumors were going round about me in the entire junior secondary block,that I was a player and was dating only senior girls. Whispers were going around all the time,I was fast becoming the new kid on the block. There was this babe-Remi- that I usually borrowed “Archie” comics from,she was cute, and it was obvious she liked me, however, she was a little bald (what?! A guy should have taste! I like girls with hair and the girl had a hairline I didnt like,call me a perfectionist,but there are guys that dont do small boobs,or small butt…so dont judge me ( ˘˘̯) ). Anyways I wasnt into her,well,Im a one woman guy,I had Jemimah,so thats final. So, I was sitting in class one afternoon, the boring Social Studies teacher was teaching a topic I dont even care to remember,when out of shere boredom I looked out the window,and there was my beautiful Jemimah, walking alone,…in my mind I was like “aaaaawwwwww! My baby” The little micro interestvI had in the class went out the window,she had my full attention though she didnt know.As she walked on leisurely some hoodlum bumped into her, and held her! I stood up! About to rush out ,and scream “Rape! Rape!! Rape! Raaaaaaaaaape!” When I saw that the guy didnt bump into her,he hugged her from the back and now they were in each other’s arms. They untangled from the most unholy hugg and started walking away,hand in hand! Jesu! I was there, frozen without ice, rooted on the spot!
“Mister man!” the boring teacher in extra gross glasses called my attention “Can I help you?”. I realised I was still standing.
“Um…No…N…No sir” I answered.
“Then sit down my friend and dont disrupt the class. Abi you want to go to the toilet?” The class roared in laughter. Mr. Goggles made a joke for once. But I was the punch line, so sad. I and Jemimah were going to have I talk, “It might not be pretty” I thought to myself. I was so sure there was no amount of thinking that would prepare me for another heart break…Na who send me sef!?

A Thousand Love Mishapps (4)

You know the saying that goes thus;Once beaten twice shy? Yeah,Im sure you do. I was the new epitome of that statement. I totally stayed away from Tolu’s side of the class…like TOTALLY! If I needed a pen during a test and someone on Tolu’s side if class had an extra,I would rather use a pencil to write my test and fail,or risk getting my note shredded to pieces by the teacher. Well,so Tolu was a planet away from me,and Fash lived his villian life in “pieces” (I know I was supposed to say “Peace”, but heck no! Let it be “Pieces”) and I was living my life in peace.
You know, life has a funny way of helping to even out situations,or balance the good and evil a man experiences in life, well, life evened it out for me,I was chilling with my hostel mates one day and we were discussing our primary schools and all the naughty stuff we’d done with our lives(ranging from spitting in teachers’ drinks,Tarzan adventures for the tree climbers, fighting a girl and loosing(covering my face for alot of guys that would have experienced it),to pretty sensitive stuff like being mollested by a house girl, getting disvirgined really early,mostly by stupidity or choice, to pretty revealing things like bedwetting,and other gooey sttuff. So I mentioned that I was a singer in my past life,I mean past school. Then the guys were like…”Dude! So you can sing?” I was like “Yeah,just a little” I said shily.”Oya sing lets hear” one of the boys said. So I sang one of the favourite songs I knew from sunday school in my former school(Js1,it wasn’t like the “Father Abraham,has many sons…”kind of sunday school song O). The guys clapped when I was done. Then Sean,whose real name is actually Seun(he lied that his name was Sean,how dumb)said we should sing the song the following day,which was a sunday,at the chapel,during service. Everyone loved it instantly! Rehearsals began,the prospect of singing a cool and fun song and getting a wild applause from the girls can be a serious driving force for a bunch of teenagers…come and see creativity in display! Sean did the rap,he actually copied a 2pac Shakur verse,the one that says “As I walk through the valley if the shadow of death,I take a look at my life….blah blah blah”,thats as far as I remember. Though I was skeptical about the rap,we still went ahead. Sunday came and we were all looking like little angels without a halo,dressed in white uniform. We quickly told the pastor/teacher in charge about our special number. When it was time for special numbers,a girl was called to sing. She was a Js1 student,her voice was thin,but not so great,everyone clapped for her…that was some encouragement. You know that feeling you get when you see someone who you think has a whacky voice sings a song before you and the crowd responds nicely…it can be really encouraging(God forgive me). So we were called up,most of the JS3 bording students came up,with me in front(I was to take the solo,to usher in the song and remind anyone that might have forgotten among the other singers…smart eh?) So with my heart pounding against my chest like it wanted out,and my palms damp like a piece of foam that has just been soaked in water, picked the microphone and introduced the group “We are the Js3 Boys and The tittle of our song is ‘I saw angels coming down'”. I took a deep breath and started with my solo…my voiced eased out through the loud speakers,I think I liked the sound of it,and so did the applauding congregation. When I was done with my Solo,the rest of the “choir” picked the chorus,and we used our hands to make the beat,like some kind of accapela stuff. It was dope man,I tell you. Later the crowd joined us in the clap. People were thoroughluly enjoying our presentation! Then Sean came for his rap,U know how teenagers can be when they hear rap,in a song being presented in church,automatic gaurantee to drive people wild.(it always works,if U want a quick route to be cool in a “gospel” way,try it and see…hehehe) So the ladies went wild with admiration and excitement,the fellas were green with envy,especially the seniors,they just clapped and fumed(who send them?) The song was over and the entire chapel went wild, a few girls came to hug me and Sean, well,and the rest of the crew.Eeveryone was on their feet,even the teacher in charge was all smiles and laughs as he obviously enjoyed himself. The JS3 boys were feeling fly all sunday long, our status was hitting the roof,though it didnt stop Sean from recieving slap that same evening for not bringing an SS3 boy’s laundry on time(yeah,they make us do their laundry). That same evening, as I was leaving the dining hall,I heard someone call my name “Ade”,I turned and saw Tolu…Tolu!…okay I was just kidding it wasnt Tolu,it was some girl I dont think I’d ever noticed before,she looked like a JS2 or JS1 girl. She waved at me shily,I wondered what she wanted,maybe she wanted to send me to a senior guy or one of my room mates,I wasnt in the mood to be sent on an errand, by a younger girl for that matter, as I was at the pinacle of the Junior Secondary school Food chain(No one sends you on errands in JS3,SS2,and of course,the gods of school, SS3,those ones can send any other class on an errand). Anyways so I walked to her and tried to sound polite(Actually I didnt try,it came effortlessly,I noticed she was cute!-yes call me “ashewo Omode” …aren’t we all?)”Hello” I greeted. “Hi” she said looking down a little,I was a little puzzled now. Was it what I was thinking? She wants to psyche me…hehehe!
“You sang well today” she said smiling shily trying not to look at me in the face.
“Thank you” I said,putting on a charming smile.
“Senior Jemimah wants to see you” she said and started walking away. So she didnt want to psych me,but I didnt care,Jemimah wanted to see me..She expected me to follow her,of course I did. Who wouldn’t!? Do you know who Jemimah is!!!? Well,of course you dont know. She is a goddess! Chai,every guy that was straight had a crush in that girl! I mean, everyone, Including teachers sef! Okay that one was a lie,I didnt see her with any teachers, but if you see this babe! (#singing in Olamide’s voice# she geti front, she geti back,she’s too package…). Let me describe how God created this babe;he was like 5 feet 4, she has a skin so smooth so glowy,like coffee and caramel proportion 1 to 4(1spoon of coffee to 4 spoons of caramel,we gats to be specific nau),she had dark hair,always wavy,she was always in the neatest uniform well fitted,I mean weeeell fitted,she has these beautiful lips,like those pink lips that were perfectly uneven and slightly pouty, that parted ways to reveal the perfect set of teeth,the front teeth slightly parted(gap tooth) and she had the perfect figure 8 shape(I was in Js3 ,I was required to know those things,it was a compulsery course). Most people either loved her or envied her. She was kinda like a superstar. Anyways,So, I followed the JS-something girl. We had walked for barely a minute, turned a corner out of the view of people trooping in and out of the hall,then I saw her,she was standing somewhere between the boy’s hostel and girls’ hostel, where the senate building was situated. She was standing and leaning on a pillar as she read a book. “She reads too…Wow!” I thought to myself. When I was a few steps from her,I stopped and allowed the girl go ahead and call her attention,I had a feeling she knew I was around,but didn’t want to seem like she was eager to see me.
“Hello” I greeted her as she looked my way.
“Ade” she called my name with a smile,,showing off her wonderful teeth,illuminating her face, she walked up to me and gave Me a hug “how are you sweety?”
“I’m fine” I said shyly as I hugged her back. She smelled like almonds and orange,very soft but evident and perfumey,my brain was screaming “Alert! Alert! Alert!”.
“Kemi,you can go” she tells the little girl,and she scurries off. She turns to me.
“Am I in some kind of trouble,or you want to send me to someone?” I said managing a smile.
She giggled in the most adorable way.”None of the above” she said.
“Okay…?” I said puzzled.
“You sang really well today” she said
“Thanks,thats what people keep saying” I tried to be humble. She laughed.”well you are a pretty decent singer” she said and put a hand on my face softly and caress my ear(Jesu!!!) “And I really like your voice, you’re so cute” if I was white,I would have blushed, no, more like glowed.
“Thanks” I smiled sheepishly,I couldnt look her in the face. She used a finger to gently lift up my chin “I want to ask you something” she said ,looking not so serious. (I mean,if she was going to propose to me,she should look a llittle nervous,but then again,its Jemimah,she’s not totally human,she’s got that extra)
“Okay…”I say, my eyes as expectant as a girlfriend waiting to get a ring,talk about switching of roles in a classic drama..lol.
“I would really love for you to be my school son” she said.