A Thousand Love Mishaps (9)

Now let me make this clear once and for all…. I am not a bad person. Nope, I am not. I’m just a young kid trying to live. Can I Live? Please. Please my Niggas and Niggresses. Can a brother live?! I didn’t have a point I just always wanted to ask that question to anyone that had time to waste (Hehehehehe). So Mirabel kissed me. I was no longer a lip virgin. Ah! People. You should have seen me walk around the next day… I was like king Kong. I felt like the king of China. I felt like the president of the jungle. Or is the other way round… anyways shaaaaa! I was the Baus!…And I was loving my life. Brought out my last tin of Corned beef and gave it to the boys at the dining table.
“Wetin dey worry dis one” one of my hating class mates asked,- I can’t remember his name- but I didn’t care to share…what kind of man kisses and tells. Well, to be completely honest, I told my bunk mate, then he told his friend, then that one told his girlfriend (Oponu…Ashewo) Then that one told… It doesn’t matter who the hell she told, once a girl know, the whole solar systems knows already. But don’t you worry my dear readers, I didn’t get into too much trouble, Mirabel never found out, or maybe she did and didn’t care.
Forget say Mirabel na the school “whatever they want to call her”. Me and her were down, she makes me sing love songs. WhoooOoooOooooOoo! *that was an ad-lib in case you were wondering. Sooo after school hours, Mirabel asked me to accompany her to the administrative block, a five storey building. She said she forgot her bag there and didn’t want to go back alone.
“What is your bag doing in admin block?” I asked.
“I went there to read during break and left my bag” she answered.
There was an awkward silence after that… We climbed the first flight of stairs. the second, the third, the fourth… we were on the third floor by then.
She paused, walked into one of the old labs and stopped at the window…staring out at Something. then it clicked…I must have done a good job of the last time we kissed she wanted a “take home to Mama”experience. I had to be smooth. I walked over to her and slowly put my hand around her waist. She sounds around sharply.
“Do you think I’m a whore?” She blurted out from nowhere, my brain froze for a few seconds. My hands fell off her waist (Apa ti jabo O Jesu!)
“I- I- I don’t understand…”
“Just answer the question Ade ” She had a serious look on her face.
“I don’t think so… I know people say things but I don’t care”
Her expression softened.
“I Like you for who you are…Kind, friendly, Smart, Sw-”
You guess it. We were kissing. She held me close, her arms around my neck,she grabbed my hand and placed it on her boob.
“Oh shit” I thought to myself “I’m about to loose my virginity in a science lab”
I didn’t really care… No I did care, my brain cared, my body on the other hand, that’s a totally different story.
Badoo… I pushed her softly against the wall, and pressed against her… she moaned. I ran my hand up her thigh as I slowed down the kissing, deepening it at th same time.
I couldn’t control my words…”Gawwd I Love you”. She stopped. She looked me in the eyes, disappointment oozing from her eyes.
She turned from me and started to walk away.
“Hey! Hey!…Mirable.” I called to her “I’m not lying, I mean it!” She paused. Looked at me with teary eyes and said “Don’t ever say those words to me or any girl…. it’s a lie!” Before I could say another word, she was out of the room. I walked behind her as she stumped away mumbling stuff I couldn’t hear to herself.
I tried a second time to talk to her. To get an …Anything.
“Mirabel… Can we-”
“Do you actually think I could love you. Small boy like you”
I felt like I had been slapped… six…teen… thousand times… with a metal glove…by hulk… on steroid.
I stopped on my tracks.
“Better stay away from me… Love… Odeh!” she hissed and walked away.
Crazy person!
The next time I saw her, it was with I.K., he brought his parents’ car and she was in there with him. I just decided to free her… I kuku wanted to study.
Crazy Person…. Mtcheww. This time around I was moving on easily.


A Thousand Love Mishaps (7)

Life was getting good. Reeeeeally good, I tell you. I was just in my element mehn! I was having the time of my life. You might be wondering “What’s wrong with this one?” I’ll tell you whats wrong with this one…nothing was wrong, everything was right! Ok, so I was rolling with my cousin and her friends, her really cute friends. One of them asked me to be her school son. I felt like someone had proposed to me. I’m sure married women would roll their eyes and probably laugh. But I’m sure it would be any man’s dream to have girls propose to you, to be their boy friend, though in my own case it was to be their school son, like had used a love potion in my sleep, girls just kept asking me to be their schools son. Do you realize what that means? Free food for lunch breaks, unlimited free hugs from sexy, cute, nice smelling girls, oh please don’t hate me! Then I got cash once in a while, never got punished much by seniors, because their crushes were my school mothers, or friends to my school mothers. Though some seniors still hated my guts O. What can a man do to satisfy the world? My life was getting so preoccupied that I had to make a mental roster for the girls, which one I was meeting on which day and when. I was becoming that popular Js2 kid that all the senior girls liked, I had to start worrying about my looks and how to impress my several school mothers(its serious business O. To whom much is given, much is expected). So my life was rosy, but as you know, all good things either take a downward spiral PR they just spin out of control, if not well managed. I piled up the school mothers until … Well let me just tell you the whole gist. There was a particular school party where I was dancing with one of my “school mothers”, then another one butted in, like guys do when they want to “chance” another guy dancing with a pretty lady, in my case it was a lady that butted in, I guess that makes me the lady. So another girl butted in, I didn’t even know her. I watched my disappointed “school mother” , I was helpless, I mean, if you had a hot girl place her hands around your shoulder, whinning and grinding on you, even you would be speechless. Now, my life would have been perfect if the new girl never came, I mean, I was contented with one hot older babe dancing with me, as my class mates envied like crazy, I didn’t need another hot girl, well, I didn’t really mind, she was soooo hot, and her smell, hmmn-hmmn! Anyways, I was having fun with the new babe, until one SS2 guy, tried to butt in, I didn’t object (l was too young to die, I still am too young to die), so I was about to let go of this sweet and sensual babe( Sensual -I’ve always wanted to use that word) but she shot me that “Dont-you-dare” look, and held on tight to me. The SS2 guy, looked me in the face, and gave me the “Abi-you-wan-die” look, I in turn gave him the “please-have-mercy-I-don’t -want-to-die” look. The babe turned my face towards her, and directed our dance to another part of the floor. I could see at least two of my several school mothers, and from the look on their faces, I knew I would have a lot of questions to answer later in the week. Then another senior came around, the same thing happened, the senior left, and the babe kept dancing with me like I was her man. I was dumb, How could I not know a girl like that was trouble. “What’s your name?” She shouted over the loud music, thumping madly from the speakers. “Ade” I responded. “I’m Mirabel Onanze” you may wonder why she gave me her full names, well for two reasons; one, she wanted me to know who she was, and two, she wanted me to be sure of who she was, pretty much the same thing but, I’ll break it down for you. See there are plenty of Mirabels in school, we have the Book-worm Mirabel, we have the slut Mirabel (explanations not needed), and we have the Hot… Hawwwt… Haaawwwt… And popular Mirabel, well I didn’t meet the latter , or the first. Yeah, you got it, the middle one, the slut Mirabel. Mirabel Onanze! How lucky can a brother be? Well, she looked really hot too, and she had the sex appeal going, even for a young innocent mind like mine. “You are Mirabel Onanze!” I blurted out. Before she could respond or before I could think of a compliment to throw at her, I felt two strong hands on my shoulders, a hand in the back of my trousers, and I was off the ground. The next thing I saw was the ceiling of the hall, and I was moving towards the exit. When we got to the entrance, just before the door, the guys dropped me. I was standing face to face with I.K. the king of all muscle-building, junior-student-killing seniors, I mean, this guys eat Junior students for breakfast! You do not, I repeat, you do not want to cross their part on a Saturday morning, they will rape your dignity and joy for that day. There was a kid that was unlucky enough to meet them on a Saturday morning they were just coming from the basket ball court, they made him follow them to their room and used him as a wrestling rag dull, then used him for a masseuse (he massaged at least ten of them)… then he did their laundry… then he ran errands, he came back late and they beat the crap out of him, then they late him go, after seven hours. So you know exactly what I was dealing with, “What’s your name?” I.K.’s voice was like the voice of someone who had just smoked twelve wraps of weed. “Uhmm- s-s-sir?” I stuttered, before I could compose myself or apologising for not hearing him, or for pretending not to hear him, the back of his huge left hand had come across the left side of my small face, I spun, dazed at the speed of his hand and the pain it inflicted on my face. My two hands were over my face. I let the pain sink in, as my hears were ringing slightly, now I could hardly hear him. “I’m sure your ears are cleaned out now” he said with a wry smile on his face. “So answer my question” He commanded. I could feel the sobs coming, You know those periods that you’re in so much trouble that all that is left to do is cry. I mean, I couldn’t even run! But then I couldn’t cry, because that would be suicide. I had better chances trying to outrun a pack of wolves than escaping those guys. I swallowed hard, telling myself how bad I would look if I started crying. One it was in public, a man can’t cry in public, at a party! Hell to the No. And two, my mouth looks really funny when I’m crying, saw it once in the mirror, you know, like all those american movies where the actor cries in the mirror when he’s broken or something, it always looked so good on them. In my own case,I bursted into laughter, that ish ain’t pretty man. It was so ugly, even I had to laugh, in the midst of tears. So doing it there in front of those guys, that would be the height of ridicule and stupidity. So I took a deep shaky death, burying my sobs, and gave him my name. “Ade” I said , almost inaudibly. If only one of my numerous school mothers could come to my rescue, that’s all I was thinking. “I no hear you nau” I.K was getting impatient… “I go light you another slap O!” He was waving his huge hand on my face. Yeh! If he was going to use his right hand, I was definitely going to pass out. I prepared myself for the worst. “I.K.!” In heard someone call from behind me, I was too terrified to look back. “I.K!” The person called again. “Let the boy go!” Calvary! I turned around and standing there was Mirabel. I was shocked. Why her? People don’t usually step in for juniors who have entered the valley of the shadow of death, especially if its someone like I.K that’s administering the beating. And she did it with so much audacity!
“Wetin be your own?!” I.K. was obviously irritated.
“What did he do to you ,l.K.?” She walked up to him, square in the face, like Gbam! Even I was scared for her.”Mirabel, this is none of your business”. Mirabel didn’t even budge, or blink.
“I am making it my business” she stated. I.k. stood up, towering over her, his eyes intimidating. Mirabel hissed “We both know how this is going to end, I don’t want any trouble. I just want to dance with my school son.” When I heard ‘”school son” I was puzzled. Like, when did we make that arrangement? Funny enough, while I was looking from Mirabel to I.K with a puzzled look, I.K was looking from Me to Mirabel, and back at me, with the same puzzled look. He must have caught the lost expression on my face. He smiled a knowing sinister smile “Mirabel, why are you lying to save this rat?”. It was Mirabel’s turn to get impatient “Ikemufuna Osadebe” she called his full names “….Let the boy go”. There was tension, no one said a word, not even I.K’s boys. He gave me a piercing look, turned his back and left without saying a word. Before I could even think of all the nice things to say to Mirabel, her arms were already around my shoulder, as she led me to the other side of the dance floor where all the drinks were arranged for consumption. She sat me down and looked over my face in the deem light. “Are you alright?” She asked caressing my cheek with her thumb.” Yeah I’m fine” I said nodding like an agama lizard. She smiled “would you like to go for a walk?” She asked me. “Outside?” I asked with a puzzled look on my face, she laughed “Of course ,silly. Outside.” So we held hands and went outside. It was beautiful evening, the sky was clear, allowing the stars glitter in suspense over the heavens. It was a beautiful night to get kissed. For my mind abi?

A Thousand Love Mishapps(2)

Tolu was every teenagers dream, she was beautiful, smart, elegant, graceful,beautiful and well…beautiful… you need to see her. It was my second week in school when I noticed her, she probably came late from holidays…you see,I was a 5 feet tall lil kid (a cute one at that) who had just transfered in from kwara state to start my JS2 in Ibadan. It was a private school Fountains International school in Bodija,(good luck trying to find it in real life) and it was both bording and day school . It was on a tuesday morning,I was just leaving the hostel(as a bording house student) when a blue Toyota Corolla pulled up by the girls’ hostel, then I saw her,pink pair of Sketchers sneakers, white socks, CLEAN legs, then the short dress that was the girls’ uniform and a pink denim jacket,her face was like that of an angel,she had a simple lip gloss on and she has a glittery kind of eye shadow(I would have surely hated it of it was another girl that was wearing that eye shadow)…my jaw dropped to the floor. Sweet Mother of Joseph! She was beautiful.Gaaawwd!!! I couldnt wait to get to know but not when the matron was nearby… If you move three inches withine the vicinity of the girls’ hostel that woman will turn you upside down and use you to sweep the floor…literarily. So I had to leave and wait for my chance. A few weeks passed, I and Tolu had become close,(I know,Im a fast devil arent I) I was fund of doing her assignment and copying her notes for her, she was always buying me mirinda (which was precious to me at the time) and keeping me company before going to her hostel. We’d grown pretty close,we were what you can call…friends with benefits. My hostel mates and friends(very crazy bunch those guys, when I think of it now,yup,they were crazy! There was a guy that liked to use his name to make rhymes in self-composed rap songs and the worst part was he wouldnt sing if his penis was not dangling free all over the hostel…gross!). As I was saying,my hostel mates convinced me to ask her out…I always declined,but they urged “Guy ,you sef you be fine boy now” “No carry last O” ” Be sharp,man”…So I waited till first term JS3. I planned it all through the holiday how I was gonna present my case, a little music,I would use a pocket Walkman(ipods were not common in my school…or in naija sef at the time) present a flower and then my proposal. It was the perfect plan. When we resumed school I waited for the first Six months(just kidding,six days) I had what you can call frozen feet…I couldnt say jack to her. I always felt like I was gonna pee on myself everytime I as much as think about it around her. Im not sure if she noticed my nervousness around her even though I was popular with the senior girls,(I had three school mothers and alot of girls above my age liked me…probably because I looked like a human Chuwawa…Cute voice,small stature and I could sing. I would always sing “I need a girl” of Usher and Pdiddy for my school mothers…or any West Life song. Anyways back to my romance life with Tolu(please permit me to call it that,okay?) . So on a fateful friday, during siesta, I snuck out of the hostel to meet Tolu in class(she was usually in an empty class during siesta,she says she hates siesta) I was feeling all good and excited “Tolu..will you be my butterfly…no no no” I was rehearsing in my head as I walked towards the class room”Tolu…will you marry me…In…a Secondary school kinda way…no no thats dumb” I was making progress baa? “Tolu please be the sugar in my coffee…what the hell?” hell no…I was still rehearsing in my head when I heard Tolu’s laughter…she wasnt alone? I paused,inched closer and heard a guys voice…he was definitely an older guy’s voice “Ha! Mogbe!” I whispered to myself. I wanted to barge in and see what was happening,but I decided to play ditective a little. I located a small bush near the window of the class and watched from outside,it was senior Fash! A complete spawn of the devil and a human…that dude was evil. He’s the one that slapped a junior in JS1 and the kid spun 360° on the spot before collapsing…just because the kid mistakenly spill tea on his Hawk’s blood Timbz! Talk about wickedness in high places. What was he doing with Tolu…My Tolu. And they were smiling,giggling, laughing. I hope the matron catches them. Then like magic,I saw him move really close to her…then he kissed her…she seemed startled “U better slap him” I muttered from inside the bush. Then he tried to move closer again, “Now for the slap of the century” I thought,”he had it coming”. What happened was more like the kiss of the century. Yeeeh! I clasped my hands on my head. From there he started feeling on her boobs…No! No! No! Those are mine! I whispered desperately. I was busy cursing Fash as he smooched and kissed my wife(what?! Yes she was my wife! Tolu and I were meant to be together…and get married and make sweet sweet love and make little Sam and Tolus).
“Young man, what are you doing there???!!!” I heard a deep feminin voice call from behinde me.
I spun around, eyes wide and heart racing,it was the matron! “Oh shit!” I muttered,I wanted to run but I knew it would be jumping out of a frying pan into a pool of molten magma. I froze. She stomped towards me, I quickly dropped the rose on the floor. “I say what are you doing here?!”
“I ..I..I was just taking a stroll ma” a pathetic attempt of a lie.
“Strolling??!!…During Siesta!!!”
“I couldnt sleep ma”
“Shut up!!!” She yelled in my face, and startled me…I was gonna start crying(what? Someone with a face as scary as the Matron’s will make a grown man pee in his pants).
“Im sorry ma” I said as she grabbed my hand.”Im sorry ma” I continued pleading.
“Taking you to your Mr.Akin”
“Aaah…please ma. Im begging you” my pleading intensified. You see,Mr.Akin also known as’A.K.’ was my house master. Fair skinned,bald and he must have been a slave owner in Missisipi in his past life…in short,that guy can whip a tree till it yelps. Am not talking about just any kind of whipping,am talking whipping with some serious style, designer whipping with a belt. To him whipping must have been like some kind of art. You wont want this man to beat you, talk less of roll up his sleves when he’s in a bad mood…cus if he does,YOU DEAD! That night I couldnt sleep cus I and the house master had a fine encounter, lets just say me and him have a mutual agreement that I never ever ever ever ever step out of my bed during siestas again…and incase I forgot all I had to do was touch my butt…cus I was sure it would be sore for the rest of my days.
The next day,I was in the dinning hall trying to enjoy my breakfast when Fash walked to where I was sitting and stared down at me. And in the coolest and smoothest voice said” So na you dey peep me and my girlfriend abi?” he spoke in the pace of someone like Bruce Willis “See me in the hostel after school.” He said and walked away.
“Why did my parents give birth to me?” I thought, because I honestly and earnesrly wish I would cease to exist for just a while. In class, I was haunted by things Fash would do to me after school hours…I didnt want to think of it…I might as well commit suicide( suggestions anyone?). I sat in class hardly using my butt. I had barely opened my maths text book to see if there was any assignment I hadnt done(and from experience,I had plenty) then I looked up momentarily only to see standing before me,was Tolu.

9 Signs That Your Relationship Is In Danger.

9 Signs That Your Relationship Is In Danger.(Culled from Spark Notes.com) Now this stuff is hilarious! U gotta love the sense of humor…however, as you laugh out loud and Roll on the floor(or bed,or road,or sand…one can never tell) try to get the real points because they are actually quite accurate. Enjoy 🙂 1. Awkward Around Friends: Your girlfriend always avoids explaining your relationship to her friends. “This is my boyfriend and I love him sooo much!” you expect her to say. “Here’s this dude,” she says instead. “PTTHTBH,” she adds, sticking out her tongue and giving you a thumbs-down. Undeterred, you attempt to put your arm around her, but she chases you away with a garden hose like a common raccoon. 2. Stalky Behavior: Your boyfriend constantly keeps tabs on your interactions with Mother guys. He’s always asking what you’re doing right now, often as he bursts out of a storm drain while


you’re walking down the street. You have not received mail in weeks because he chases off your mailman with a rake every morning. There is a bush in your backyard that is always suspiciously sneezing. 3. Inappropriate Jealousy: Your boyfriend gets all weird and possessive over the tiniest things. If a guy waves at you in the hallway, your boyfriend angrily demands that you not go into hallways anymore. If a dog licks your hand while you’re at the park, he resolves to hunt down the dog’s girlfriend and make out with it. 4. Lies/Avoidance: You girlfriend never seems to be able to make time for you anymore. “I can’t have coffee with you today because my hamster has a fever!” she informs you, crying, but also playing a game on her phone at the same time. Later you walk past Starbucks and there she is, laughing and having coffee with her hamster. 5. Suspicious Texts: You check your boyfriend’s phone one day, and you discover with shock that all his recently received texts are like “i cant wait to see you again ;)” and “you have such a beautiful mouth.” You confront him, and he reassures you that all of these texts are from his dentist. 6. Never Telling Family About You: You’ve been dating your girlfriend for a long time, but you’ve never been to her house, so one day you show up unexpectedly to deliver her a romantic bouquet of roses. Her dad pokes his head out the window. “IT’S ONE OF THEM TEEN- AGERS! AND HE’S GOT FLOWERS ! GET MY SHOTGUN, MILDRED!” he bellows. 7. Finding Distractions Too Easily: Sitting together with your girlfriend on a beautiful day, you feel like the moment is perfect, and you lean in to kiss her. “Oh but wait!” she exclaims, wrenching her entire body away from your stupid mouth. “There is a cute bird outside!” You look outside, and the bird isn’t even all that cute. 8. Failing To Notice Significant Changes: You dye your hair from blonde to jet black and then meet up with your boyfriend. “What do you think??” you ask, flipping your hair around. “I think that fiat currency is the leash that keeps us bound to our Lizard People overlords! Ron Paul 2016,” he says, staring right at you with his big dumb oblivious face. 9. Sudden Changes In Behavior: Your girlfriend always enjoyed playing your homemade D&D modules— Attack Of The Horrible Football-Playing Orcs, Revenge Of The Stupid Mean Orcs of Jock Mountain— but then one day, you notice her making out with like five different football players. You bring it up to her later, and she assures you she was only making sure that everybody else is a worse kisser than you. You are completely satisfied by this.

The Live Box Analogy

Everyone has a Life Box attached to him or her. You see,your Life Box is like a Wagon(or mobile house,popularly used by people who move around alot), and in every wagon are features-or dare I say- furnitures, that reflect alot about you and whether you and a person are compatible or not(or if you’re fun to be with or as boring as fried chicken butt). Some people have a really pretty Life Box on the outside, well coloured and catchy from afar, while some people’s Life Box may look like something used to recycle poop, and there are those whose Life Box look plain and totally uninteresting from the outside. Going inside, there are three basic things a Life Box has, a chair, a TV, and a bed(Im sure y’all can guess what they mean *wink) In case you’re wondering,the bed means romance(not neccessarily sex…perv!),the chair means comfort or friendship factor, the TV means “interest” and “fun factor” of the person’s mind. Some people have big fluffy couches(super nice,you want to barf around them), some have tiny wooden stools(there’s no way you can be comfortable around these guys). Some people have dingy little black n white coloured TVs,some have 3D plasma(Mind blown), some have a tiny lil bed(yeah,you guessed it) while some have what would make a king size bed have a low self esteem. In all, these people have variations, a girl could have a sweetly painted outside but on getting inside,you find a tiny TV, a soft arm chair and a giant bed(did someone come to mind?). Then some dude may have a plain moderate paint job(probably pale blue) and then a tiny chair, a wee lil’ bed (cus he aint getting none-lol) and a Large plasma TV with gizmoes attached to it(he could probably crack the CIA firewall with that thing), and so on. The variation is endless,big bed, big chair,small TV. Big TV, big chair….well,no bed. Poop-like outside usually comes with No bed, little comes of the chair and maybe the TV is broken. Shiny exterior and a really messy interior with No TV,only radio and a tiny bed,or a big one, then a loooooooong couch. The list goes on and the variation is endless(actually it isnt,any mathematician could find the variables.) Im sure you must have figured which category you fall into, (the good thing about these things is that they’re changeable,or do I say upgradeable) and that detemines wether or not you attract someone who has an Awesome Life Box. The thing is,the exterior can be decieving, you get to know them when you take a look at what their life box looks like on the inside, if you like ths size of the chair and TV (which you’ll know after the first few dates)then you’re good, you’ll find out about the bed later…(You dont agree? Okay. You can start off from the bed and see how far that gets you). If you find some one who has features you like(I usually look out for a kitchen then a Bible,right after I check the TV and chair…as for the bed,when I check it is all of my business and none of your’s) then by all means go for it,however, if she doesnt like the size of your chair or TV, or doesnt like the feel of your bed(if you’ve got one) then there’s no use forcing it, the variations out there are endless, you’ll find one that suits you, like I and my girlfriend,oh she suits me just nicely (oh dont be jealous,no ,please do be jealous,it helps….me. Muhahahahaha,okay thats enough)
So what’s your Life Box like? Do you wanna modify?(not ALL things can be modified, well,except by a miracle). Are you a poop-like box looking for a shinny box, uughhh,think again, Life Boxes of the same calliber chill in the same Estate,and pitch an address there(we’ll talk about the Estate thing later). Think on this for a bit, and lets know the kind of Life Box you’ve got. Lemme know if you liked this article,and if you didnt, Oh well, give me some credit for wasting so much of your time in this end times. https://talentsauceblog.wordpress.com/